-=Victor-Oscar-Nicodemus=-
29-09-2006, 04:19
Jesus and the Redneck
An Irish man walks into a diner with a bum leg and sits down and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee and says..hey is that Jesus over there?...
she replies, yes it is...he says, give him a cup of coffee on my bill....
An English man walks in with a huge hump on his back and says, I would require a cup of tea, by the way is that Jesus over there??
she replies yes it is, and the man says, give him a cup of tea on me,
A redneck hobbles in on crutches and says, hey darlin' how about some iced tea, and hey...is that the Lords boy over yonder...
she says yes, and
he says,,,hell,,,give em a glass of tea on me....
about 10 minutes later Jesus got up and walked to the irishmen and touches his shoulder and says "For your kindness you are healed"...and he jumps up and runs out of the diner completely healed.
Then he walks over to the englishmen and touches him and says "For your kindness,you are healed" his hump melted away and walked out tall and straight...
but, as Jesus appraoched the redneck, the redneck jumped up and yelled......
"Hey dont you touch me........im drawin disability!!!!
---------------------
The Copy Machine
A young Network Administrator was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when hefound the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the Net Admin. He turned the machine on, insertedthe paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared insidethe machine. "I just need one copy."-
----------
Ever wondered why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on ?insufficient funds? when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn?t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn?t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ?S? in the word ?lisp??
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ?It?s all right?? Well, it isn?t all right so why don?t we say, ?That hurt, you stupid idiot??
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that?s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don?t succeed, shouldn?t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don?t succeed, then don?t take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE??
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they?re okay, then it?s you.
---------
Lil Johnny- I'm too smart
Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is inthird grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of hisquestions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?" Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principallooked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?
First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before youdo."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got thelast ten questions wrong myself!"
Enjoy your day, whatever you thought the answers were!!!!!!
----------
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything
----------
Dog Wash Blonde Style.
A blond girl walks into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and inquired whether she had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," answered the blonde.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him."
But the blonde was not to be deterred and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it.
The grocer continued to try to dissuade her but it was of no use. Her mind was made up.
About a week later, the blonde was back in the store to buy some groceries.
The grocer approached her and asked how her dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," she said sadly.
"I'm so sorry. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the blonde replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then??
"The vet said it was probably the spin cycle."
---------
A Girls First Time
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank him.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth taken-out.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking?
---------
Technical Support
Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble?"
Customer: "Well, my monitor is going out. Does that have anything to do with my hard drive?"
Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?" Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally."
Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?" Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A." Customer: "I-C-K???" Tech Support: "'A' as in apple" Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!"
Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"
Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"
Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
Customer: "Oh. Ok." Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?" Customer: "The mouse?"
Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"
Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
Customer: "Internet."
Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do you use to make the connection?"
Customer: "Oh! Windows."
Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?"
Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
Customer: "Uh, kind of."
Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the computer do anything, ok?"
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?" Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx."
Customer: "When I touch the sound card board at the back of my PC, I can feel electric current."
Tech Support: "Then don't touch it."
Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"
Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"
Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"
Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
Customer: "What is 'shift'??"
Tech Support: "May I have your area code and phone number please?"
Customer: "92251."
Tech Support: "No, that's your zip code; I need your area code."
Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
------------
8-)
An Irish man walks into a diner with a bum leg and sits down and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee and says..hey is that Jesus over there?...
she replies, yes it is...he says, give him a cup of coffee on my bill....
An English man walks in with a huge hump on his back and says, I would require a cup of tea, by the way is that Jesus over there??
she replies yes it is, and the man says, give him a cup of tea on me,
A redneck hobbles in on crutches and says, hey darlin' how about some iced tea, and hey...is that the Lords boy over yonder...
she says yes, and
he says,,,hell,,,give em a glass of tea on me....
about 10 minutes later Jesus got up and walked to the irishmen and touches his shoulder and says "For your kindness you are healed"...and he jumps up and runs out of the diner completely healed.
Then he walks over to the englishmen and touches him and says "For your kindness,you are healed" his hump melted away and walked out tall and straight...
but, as Jesus appraoched the redneck, the redneck jumped up and yelled......
"Hey dont you touch me........im drawin disability!!!!
---------------------
The Copy Machine
A young Network Administrator was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when hefound the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the Net Admin. He turned the machine on, insertedthe paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared insidethe machine. "I just need one copy."-
----------
Ever wondered why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on ?insufficient funds? when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn?t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn?t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ?S? in the word ?lisp??
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ?It?s all right?? Well, it isn?t all right so why don?t we say, ?That hurt, you stupid idiot??
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that?s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don?t succeed, shouldn?t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don?t succeed, then don?t take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE??
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they?re okay, then it?s you.
---------
Lil Johnny- I'm too smart
Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is inthird grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of hisquestions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?" Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principallooked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?
First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before youdo."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got thelast ten questions wrong myself!"
Enjoy your day, whatever you thought the answers were!!!!!!
----------
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything
----------
Dog Wash Blonde Style.
A blond girl walks into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and inquired whether she had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," answered the blonde.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him."
But the blonde was not to be deterred and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it.
The grocer continued to try to dissuade her but it was of no use. Her mind was made up.
About a week later, the blonde was back in the store to buy some groceries.
The grocer approached her and asked how her dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," she said sadly.
"I'm so sorry. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the blonde replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then??
"The vet said it was probably the spin cycle."
---------
A Girls First Time
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank him.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth taken-out.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking?
---------
Technical Support
Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble?"
Customer: "Well, my monitor is going out. Does that have anything to do with my hard drive?"
Customer: "How do you spell 'Internet America'? Is there a space between 'inter' and 'net'?" Tech Support: "No space between 'inter' and 'net'. It's spelled normally."
Customer: "Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?" Tech Support: "That's A-M-E-R-I-C-A." Customer: "I-C-K???" Tech Support: "'A' as in apple" Customer: "There's no 'K' in apple!"
Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"
Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"
Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
Customer: "Oh. Ok." Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?" Customer: "The mouse?"
Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"
Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
Customer: "Internet."
Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do you use to make the connection?"
Customer: "Oh! Windows."
Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?"
Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
Customer: "Uh, kind of."
Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the computer do anything, ok?"
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?" Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx."
Customer: "When I touch the sound card board at the back of my PC, I can feel electric current."
Tech Support: "Then don't touch it."
Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"
Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"
Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"
Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
Customer: "What is 'shift'??"
Tech Support: "May I have your area code and phone number please?"
Customer: "92251."
Tech Support: "No, that's your zip code; I need your area code."
Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
------------
8-)